If I Could Speak
by simplyserrine
Summary: After a tragic event, Edward learns to deal with his suicidal thoughts by helping Carlisle at the hospital. His task is to look after Carlisle's most adored patient who is rapidly dying of cancer. EdwardxOC. R&R please.
1. Prologue

**if I could speak** ⎜** a TWILIGHT fanfiction**

_rated T _⎜_ romance/angst _⎜_ edwardxOC_

After a tragic event, Edward learns to deal with his suicidal thoughts by helping Carlisle at the hospital. His task is to look after Carlisle's most adored patient who is rapidly dying of cancer.

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><p><strong>AUTHOR'S NOTE:<strong>

Welcome back to those who have previously read the early (and amateur) version of If I Could Speak. I would like to thank all those who have reviewed, favorited and/or simply viewed the earlier version. If it wasn't for you folks, this wouldn't be up right now and the old version would still be collecting dust. So, as a thank you here is the updated story, one which will eventually be completed. The first chapter had the same plot as the original (as will the first few chapters) although with major revisions and added description (which means IT'S A HELLA LOT BETTER). Also, overtime the rating may escalate...

This story is broken into two parts, Part I will be in Edward's point of view. Reviews/critiques/suggestions are always welcome, as I really am curious to see the reaction to this story and am constantly on the lookout for improvement. Harsh critiques are welcomed, though flaming will not be tolerated. If you don't like the story, simply hit the back button or that little red 'X' button in the upper right-hand corner of your browser window (the small red circle in the upper left corner of Safari for Mac users).

**This story is best viewed in...**

_1/2 MARGIN VIEW _⎜ _MAXIMUM LINE SPACING _⎜ _ALL AGAINST A DARK BACKGROUND_

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><p><strong>RATED T FOR TEEN<strong>

rated for language, mild violence and some sexual content

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><p>Twilight characters, themes, plot, ect. © Stephenie Meyer<p>

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><p><strong>If I Could Speak<strong>

_prologue_

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><p><em><strong>I<strong> remember driving her to the airport..._

The rain beat simultaneously on the windshield, accentuating the gloomy afternoon that had developed as we began our journey to Port Angles Airport. Her thrill couldn't be more pronounced and I recall her excited emotions spilling from the brim as she told me all she had planned for the weekend. She never fancied the small town of Forks, Washington. Well, perhaps not the environment, but she claimed the population made up for it, especially my brother, for that was all that kept her grounded here. Though, she would never admit such thought to me. I could see her eyes shining as she left Forks behind, glad to finally separate herself from the dreary "too-green" landscape, make her way back to the days of Arizona's catastrophic heat waves that bore down on miles of smoldering sunlit suburban neighborhoods.

I regarded the road for once, my topaz eyes watching the yellow dashes on my left whisk away as the car sped past them. My brother sat in the back seat, his arm draped around her, listening idly as she told him not to worry. His posture encouraged her he didn't in the least, but I knew him too well, I could see it in his eyes and I suspected his fear.

"She will be fine, won't you Bella?"

I smiled as Bella's eyes found mine through the rearview mirror.

"Alice is right. You should listen to your sister, Edward, after all she's the one who can see the future..."

He had voiced his concern several times over the past month, to both her and I. I obeyed him reassurance, checking to see if any danger lie ahead in her upcoming trip and I could truthfully tell him the future was safe. She insisted upon him she would be perfectly fine with Renée and Phil and that he needn't come, in fact, she strongly expressed this. Since this would be her last chance at seeing her mother before the transformation into her new life, she requested that she go without company and enjoy her mother's company while it could last. He reluctantly agreed.

A little over an hour later, I pulled up to the curb and stepping out, gave her a tight hug as a farewell and whispered for her to be safe, my gloved hands clutching at her arms. I returned to the car as my brother led her inside, intending to see her all the way to security. I examined the edge of my head scarf that had fallen into my lap, noticing in dismay the corner was starting to fray. Abandoning my ruined scarf, I plucked up my cell phone as I waited for him to reappear and allowed myself one final check, the cell phone in my hand locked in a vice grip, ready to speed dial him if necessary.

I see her arriving, all smiles and pleasantry, the chatter-buzzed drive back to the house. I see her enjoying lunch with her mother, showing her photos of her friends down at La Push. Her mother exclaiming how excited she is for the wedding and her approval of the groom. These vision were not strange or new to me and from it I drew the conclusion that she would be fine. A rap on the window jerked me from my stupor. It was a security man insisting that I had to move, as this wasn't a parking zone. Placing my cell phone in the cup holder, I flashed a gleaming smile and slowly pulled down my sunglasses, informing him that I was waiting for someone who was on their way out. The guard instantly dropped the stern act, and I smirked as I heard his heart beat faster than normal. He immediately apologized and headed back to his station by the sliding entrance door, glancing back twice.

I quietly climbed the tree, my heightened senses telling me the bear below was too inattentive to notice my presence. It would be an easy catch. With my feet placed firmly on the branch and a last check of aiming, I pounced. The animal jerked its eye line up, saw its predator, but before it could even give a startled cry of alarm, I was already quenching my thirst. Satisfaction buzzed within me as the burning in my throat dulled. A shift in the atmosphere announced my brothers presence behind me.

"Are you ready to head back?"

I turned, nodding and together we shot off through the trees. My feet were a blur, barely touching the forest floor. He was at my side with an exhilarated expression, mine peaceful as evergreen trees whizzed past us. I thought of how my beloved soon-to-be sister-in-law was doing. I knew she would be having a blast. Then with a sudden lurch, I hit a tree, the deafening sound of it cracking at the base rang through the woodland. Its silent decent followed an echoing crash. That was all I heard before reality left me.

Swirling colors of red, gold, and yellow whipped around me. I heard my mother's voice, muffled in sound. A flash of happiness flew through my heart and a force of sheer laughter ripped through my chest, the steering wheel clutched lightly in my hands. Suddenly, a blinding flash of white light cut across my vision. The sun? No it was too translucent, too florescent. The fear struck through my heart, leaving me breathless as I jerked the steering wheel sharply, the lurch flinging me forward as a horrible grinding sound pounded my eardrums. I felt myself turning over and over, my vision a blur.

In a flash, all was silent. I looked to the right to see my mother unconscious, not knowing her fate. I could smell a familiar horrible scent that aroused nausea in my stomach before I felt a warm liquid running down my cheeks, lapping over my neck and ruining my new green blouse. I recognized the sound of someone calling to me, trying to reach me. I felt my mouth move to call to my unconscious mother next to me, but no sound erupted. My vision was rimmed in black, bright patches blurring my sight. I tried to suck in a breath but felt I couldn't. I kept trying until I felt my heart shudder and the remaining oxygen I had leave my body, the darkness consuming me.

I blinked to see my brother's face above mine, stricken with worry.

"Alice are you alright? Alice?"

His voice was frantic, that which mirrored his thoughts. I lifted myself off the ground in an effortless leap, turning back to stare at the fallen tree behind me, unscratched from my collision. My face held nothing but shock, my eyes disconnected, my emotions frightened and sickened. A wave of grief swept over me, swallowing me whole trying to leak its tears, but all I could do was twist my face in despair. Shuddering and shaking, I turned to face him, knowing no words could tell him. His eyes darkened as he clenched his jaw, fisting his hands he he streaked away, towards the house. He disappeared, intending he could save her, my throat closed up as I knew it was too late.


	2. Part I: Chapter I:  Memories

**if I could speak** ⎜ **a TWILIGHT fanfiction**

_rated T _⎜_romance_/_angst_ ⎜ _edwardxOC_

After a tragic event, Edward learns to deal with his suicidal thoughts by helping Carlisle at the hospital. His task is to look after Carlisle's most adored patient who is rapidly dying of cancer.

* * *

><p><strong>AUTHOR'S NOTE:<strong>

Sorry to all who believed that the story had been updated yesterday. Something went wrong with my formatting, but I finally got it where I wanted, so without further ado, here is the second installment. Enjoy!

**This story is best viewed in...**

_1/2 MARGIN VIEW _⎜_ MAXIMUM LINE SPACING _⎜_ ALL AGAINST A DARK BACKGROUND_

* * *

><p><strong>RATED T FOR TEEN<strong>

rated for language, mild violence and some sexual content

* * *

><p>Twilight characters, themes, plot, ect. © Stephenie Meyer<p>

* * *

><p><strong>If I Could Speak<strong>

_memories_

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><p><em>"<strong>E<strong>dward," I felt her warm hand grasp mine,_ "for the last time, I'll be fine. I'll have my mom, and Phil..."

I stretched a tight smile. "You are accident prone. I won't be there to protect you Bella," my hand tightened around hers, "if something happens-" I whispered harshly, my brow furrowed deeply.

My words halt as she places her hand over my mouth, the heat from her hand seeping through, reminding me of one reason I cherish her mortality. A heartbeat later her hands snake their way around my neck. The warm hand replaced with soft lips, lightly press into mine. A simple reassurance held in an equally simple gesture. I pull away, watching as she slowly opens her chocolate brown eyes, her hands sliding from my neck to rest on my arms.

"I love you, Isabella," my hushed voice barely audible.

"I love you more," a slight smile tugging at the corner of her lips, her right eyebrow cocked.

My lips sport a crooked smile, "Well, I love you to eternity... and back."

This earns a full smile, teeth and all. If I were still human, my beating heart would have skipped a beat.

All passengers waiting to board Flight 261, to Phoenix, please report to Gate 8A for boarding.

A woman's voice rang through the intercom, reminding me where I was. Port Angeles Airport.

"I have to go..." I could sense the hesitation behind her words.

I gave a small sigh and pulled her towards me, placing a tender kiss on her forehead.

"I'll call you as soon as I land."

There have been moments in my eighty eight year lifespan that I yearned to sleep. Not for the refreshment it brought, for now as an immortal, I never tire. With sleep comes escape, escape from reality, fear, the truth, for when one sleeps they are encased in their own personal sanctuary. It is sleep that I have took for granted, a luxury I had long ago but had not forgotten. How simple this luxury and how simply it was taken away. Now, I suffer...

I recognize that my sorrow is my fault alone and it haunts me everyday. Day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute, second to second, I am constantly reminded of my mistake; my one fatal mistake, a fatality that did not take my life, but something much more precious. My being has become pieces of pain... arising from my mistake. Pain that has imprisoned my heart, contaminated my mind, rending me absent of life. Dominating my every thought, forcing my hand, unwilling to let me go, unwilling to grant me liberty. I feel her warm touch upon my hand, her lips that graze mine, my mind that spun once, reminding me of my humanity that once was. The unforgiving thirst that I had mastered, that I had tossed aside like a child who tosses a old toy away, knowledge that if that said thirst controlled my actions and I put those actions to use, would lead to nothing. There would be no passion, no happiness in the end, only misery. The thirst I had controlled, my intuition, however, remained unchecked, leaving me in this bitterness and despair that has now trapped me.

I see her laugh, her smile, her shining eyes, I acknowledge too well that these memories are all that I own of her now, all that I can ever hold, ever touch. These sweet memories, that served such happiness, have turned to hallucinations that hold nothing but tragedy. It sickens me so. These tragic moments unfold, from the beginning, retelling our tale. The first time I saw her and with a laugh that shakes me, the thirst I felt, one that burned my not only my throat, but consumed me entirely. My immediate hate, how this one simple human girl could threaten my entire entity, one that took years to build and define. This girl who jeopardized not only my life, but my family's. That everything we tried to contain would sudden cease to matter, would crumble at our feet.

I see her lying next to me in the meadow, my favorite hideaway that I chose to share with her. That moment shown, just like the love in her eyes, the love that reflected in mine, tenfold. I recall feeling tormented then too, but a different torment. I realized I was taking her further into this, my life, than I ever intended to in the first place. Hell, I had already took her much too far in by then and my thoughts of abandonment disappeared with my compelling thirst. I knew then, that she was the piece that I had been missing, a piece that had took me eighty eight years to find. Even if she did not return such fathomless feelings, she would for all eternity be a part of me, haunt me, even when she was absent. Despite my adornments, caution filled my mind, weighing the facts I chose to ignore. I was leading her down a path she did not, nor never fully would, understand. A twisted path crowded with self-loathe, misconstrues and heart-shattering endings. A path that meant the downfall for most of my kind, the downfall of giving into desire, fulfilling the one purpose we as creatures were created for: to kill. Those who fall victim to this lifestyle seldom experience happiness. Before she came into my life, I believed I would suffer the same fate of those who hunted humans. I was content with my family and our lifestyle, but never was I truly happy.

I have always been the egotistical, particularly with my emotions. My instinctive inner predator unconsciously lured her into her fate, while my conscious self-taught constrained being was left hoping that maybe everything would be all right, that we could be together, without complication. Striking creatures as we were to them made my actions easy, a second nature I was identified with, a second nature that had accompanied me along with my silent heart. A smile beckoned her in. My voice, my scent, every tool a predator would need for attraction. However, the predator may have fought for control, but by this time it was pure interest and care that drove me. Her emotions for me were raw, blinding her, showing her nothing but me and at first, in her eyes, nothing but the human me. Even after her discovery of my true being her feelings never faltered. As we stood by her truck, that day of visiting the meadow, her lips touching mine, the unyielding force that brought us together, I knew then, in that moment, it was too late…

That fateful day, when she said her last goodbye, when my sister promised she would be well, our blissful future together, was shattered in mere minutes. I remember a blinding and fierce determination to reach her in time, the feeling resembling that of the predator inside me, I raced against time, praying that I would make it. Carlisle insist that I calm down, that going there was not going to help. I didn't comprehend him, he told me to sit down. He was protecting me, though I failed to realize. I refused rashly. I began yelling at him, throwing things in his face, things I never meant.

That was the only time Carlisle was forced to be strict with me. The others helped blockade me and his face held only sadness, sadness by the truth I absolutely did not want to hear. I crumbled upon realization and remained frozen for some time. After I recovered, I broke through the others and flew out the door, my body and mind numb, broken. I ran until I felt concealed, far from any intelligent creature. There I dropped to my knees, my body trembling. I wailed to the moon like a wolf that cried for its lost loved ones. I hoped my family did not try to follow me, for I would never want them to see this side of me. I returned and everyone noticed the difference. No one spoke to me, while some avoided eye contact. Carlisle was preoccupied at the hospital at the time, however, Esme reached for me openly, trying to comfort me. Her hugs provided little, but she represented each of them and that they would stand by my side. I felt a numbness that never dulled and knew that even with them, my family at my side, I would have to hurt them, and that night I left.

Carlisle found me, wasting away. I had surrendered to my pain, straying far from society, far from life. It was in this desolate landscape of Serbia, Russia, I waited for my fate, my thoughts my only company. These thoughts quickly transformed into hallucinations, separating me from reality, letting me cherish her forever, while allowing the pain and guilt consume me. It was winter, it had been for two bitter months and my body was starting to weaken, the little blood I had before the accident had dwindled away, leaving my body, turning my insides dry. I could end it in a more abrupt way. The Volturi would never waste my talent, Aro had told me so two years ago. It was two years ago, after receiving rejection, I devised a plan to reveal myself to the public, therefore ensuing my demise. However, this time my angel was not coming to rescue me and that fact alone left me my decision. Being killed immediately would be a mercy, one I did not deserve. I would die a slow death, waiting years to finally die. For once blood leaves a vampire's system, their bodies are left to whither away, slowly decaying from the inside out, until finally, they become nothing more than the dust that gathers in a corner, long forgotten.

He looked down at me, where I sat, against an ice block. I looked up, my face tinted grey, my veins appearing raised from my skin, my skin that was just beginning to dry out. My mind was a stupor by then, from the dehydration or the hallucinations I will never know. I remember thinking that he was just another vision too. My heart ached for him, Carlisle, my father, the only angel I had left in the world. I imagined how he would react. His face held the deep concern and slight shock I knew it would. He would lift me gently from the ground, cradling me like a father would his child. He would take me far away, away from the pain, the agony...

I could hear them, my family, their voices calling to me, speaking concern. I told them it was alright, that this was how it had to be, what I truly wanted. But then... it was not a hallucination but reality. Frigid air was replaced with warmth, my throat no longer burned intently, and my mind's fog was beginning to clear. I jerked myself upward and immediately swayed before a pair of arms caught me. I looked up to find a pair of caramel eyes intently gazing into mine.

"Alice...?"

I saw something in her eyes that made my mind bend, snap back to reality, once and for all, my hallucinations evaporated. I looked around the room and saw that the others stood nearby, all mirroring the same expression my beloved sister's eyes held. Concern. I swallowed and met Carlisle's eyes, hard as it was. Ashamed, guilt washed through me, this time not from Bella's death, but for the absolute terror I had brought my family. I stood upright and turned my back to them. I did not turn as I heard them exit the room, someone softly closing the door behind them. Only one remained, the one I truly wanted to see, my father.

"I am sorry." I muttered, keeping my eyes trained out the window, seeing nothing but the night's sky.

An embrace followed my words, overwhelming every thought I held. The love that poured out him reminded me that even though no relation lied between us, I felt a grounding relief in his presence. He who would never turn away from me, who would love me unconditionally. My father, who had saved me now thrice times from death, I had worried and let down, thinking that my absence would not be missed. My attachment to him was stronger than the others, one forged from the many years we traveled alone together, finding comfort in one another, surviving, creating a new life for ourselves. I was the one he chose to serve him as a friendly partner in death and disappear; his first choice.

"I need help." I confessed.

"Yes, I know. I was afraid you had done something... unfortunate."

"I was trying."

"I went to The Volturi a week later. They claimed to have not seen you. I returned home and waited. I hoped, as did we all, time would heal and you would return, however, after a few months I decided it was time to take action."

"How did you find me?"

"Luckily, you did not travel too far from Petropavlovsk-Kamchatsky. I found you about fifty miles out."

I sat down at the foot of the bed, remaining silent for some time, digesting the information.

"Thank you." That was all I could say, that was all I would ever have to say.

He nodded, taking a seat next to me, resting his arms on his knees.

"You say you need help Edward. As selfish as it may seem to you, the only way to truly help yourself, is to move on."

Anger sparked inside of me. "What? Are you asking me to forget?" I shouted in disbelief.

Carlisle shook his head. "No, Edward, I would never ask such a thing, nor is it mine to ask. I am simply giving you advice, advice I have learned from others who have lived through similar experiences. What I am trying to communicate to you is you need not to forget but continue life as it was, or attempt to do so."

"How?" My lips trembled, my body shook; agony swept over me once more. "How can I go on without her? Everything I knew was with her."

"As a human would recommend, do something that frees your mind of her." Carlisle said gently.

"Like what?" I snorted, my view of the conversation descending on the idiotic.

"You could come work at the hospital with me. I know that you have a firm understanding of the medical world, educated in it and its tools. You have watched me for nearly a century now..."

His idea, simple as it was, seemed most logical and dare I say... bearable? I would be helping humans in need, something I could argue for, giving reason to my damned soul.

"Are we not leaving?"

"Alaska can wait a few weeks. I have to... finish up my work here first. But yes, we will be leaving in the near future."

I stared at him awhile, pondering.

My decision made, I met his eyes. "When can I start?"

He smiled. "Tomorrow if you would like."

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><p>Petropavlovsk-Kamchatsky is an actual city based in Siberia, Russia. There is no road to reach it... seemed fitting. As for Edward's idea of dying, I based that on the popular television show, The Vampire Diaries. I just felt that this way of dying seemed more dramatic and flowed better than, "And Edward revealed himself to humans. The Volturi soon came and destroyed him". See? No flow. Plus, when you're waiting for death, it gives you time to reflect and go insane, which is another thing I wanted of Edward.<p>

Since this is the first chapter in Edward's point of view (which it will remain so for many chapters to come), I would love some feedback on it. Did it feel Edward-esque? I attempted to move the story while trying to show a proper glimpse into Edward's mind, something I always viewed as brooding, intelligent and poetic.

As always Read & Review. Cheers!

**Audrey**


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